Does your family, partner support you?

[sandy]

As I have said before I just started bjj and sparring only about 3 months ago. Having a very hard time with my husband supporting my (hobby) as he calls it. Doesn't like it and doesn't want me doing it. Says I spend to much time at the gym! Have tried to get him to come to a few classes but he says he doesn't like it. Also when I show him what I have learned he gets all mad and starts to get realy rough with me. Any of you ladies have this happen, any ideas on how to get him to exept this as somthing I'm going to be doing for a long time?

[scarce]

.....he sounds...like...the jealous...type....and also...a sore loser........sore..loser.....cause he does not want to be put...in a submission hold by you.........somebody that would rough you up....when you....actually...are proud of a move you learned.....he must be close minded,,,,,,and...i hate to say it....but his anger,,,may get bigger and bigger........i would not practice on him.......buy yourself,,,one of those...practice dummies....they go for...about....$299.00////...you can try your holds on the dummy......and tell him....not only..is this great self defense.....but it also..is great exercise...to keep me..in great shape.....////he may never understand....scarce one chicago.....my advice is worth hundreds of dollars....somewhere????

[KnockOut2]

hmm...I dunno about jealous or sore loser.

There are many reasons why a guy wouldn't support a women who is into MMA. It's best to find a way to ask him.

For example, I think that a lot of men have a gender-identity issue where they establish ideas in their head about what a woman and what a man is. Usually, those men see a huge different between men and women, like night and day. Men with that mentality become uncomfortable when a woman becomes involved in something that overlaps into their definition of a man. Just my observation.

Of course, it could be the jealousy thing too. Are there a lot of men at your gym? Perhaps he doesn't like the idea of you "rolling" with a group of unknown guys?

Good luck with that.

[dl_angel]

I'm not really sure what to say except that the fact that he "gets really rough" with you doesn't sound good- I would recommend not showing the moves to him if he's gonna be like that.

Is he the jealous type? Maybe ask him what his concerns are about the whole situation- it could be the men at the gym and your being at the gym all the time. And if a guy misunderstands the sport, he might be jealous/pissed off that you're doing these moves you're showing him with other men (it can look pretty intimate from a bystander's perspective). If that's his concern, explain it a little bit to him.

Otherwise, maybe he just misses the time he used to spend with you? If so, maybe you guys could work out time to spend together or find something for him to do while you're at the gym.

I'd really just sit down and try to see if he'll talk to you a bit about what's going on and what he doesn't like about it, without getting upset, arguing about it, etc. Just like, "Hey you really seem upset about all of this and I really need your help to understand what it is about this 'hobby' that you don't like, otherwise I can't do anything about it." (I mean even if it's the jealousy thing, some places have all women classes. Or educating him about it might help. etc).

I don't know though- he could be a guy who likes having the power in the relationship. Any sort of martial arts is very empowering (I think so anyhow) and people change as a result of the sport. I think I've gained a lot of confidence since I began. If he's used to traditional roles of the woman being weaker, needing to be protected, etc. and you used to be like that, those changes in you could seriously change the dynamic of the relationship. And it would be a lot more obvious to him than it would be to you so you may not have noticed yourself changing.

If you're not opposed to therapy, you could always go to a couples therapist for a couple sessions just to open up the communication, if he's not being real open about why this bothers him. Right now, he doesn't seem to be giving a lot of information (from what you said in your post anyways) about why this bothers him, so it makes me think there's more to it- whether he knows what that "more to it" is or not.

[KnockOut2]

It is times like this where you get the opportunity to learn the most about your signifigant other.

"that he "gets really rough" with you doesn't sound good"

I think I overlooked that comment the first time. He gets really rough? What the hell? That really does not sound good. It's difficult to imagine what you mean there, Sandy. I hope it's not physical abuse that you're talking about.

[sandy]

Thank you for your replys, what I meant earlier was that I think my husband thinks that I think (stay with me here!) that I can beat him up or take him down? So he has to prove that I can't take him and never will. I have playfully put him in a choke or an armbar that he can't get out of just to show him that the stuff I'm doing is serious. And yes there are many hot guys at my gym so mabe that is part of it. I guess my state of mind has changed some now that you mention it. I'm a lot more self asured than I us to be. How did your partners like you doing this were any of them upset over it? On another note my training partner (male) called me and said that I chipped a bone in his hip (had an xray done) when we were doing kicks. Haven't learned to pull my punches, kicks that well yet.

[dl_angel]

My boyfriend doesn't mind, but he got me involved in all of this. When I met him, I did have a few questions/worries about his sport so I can maybe give you what could potentially be similar to your partner's perspective.

--The thing you don't say but think is- ok so whether or not he's interested, men's bodies seem to be pretty much active on their own. How can they POSSIBLY be mounting some chick and not react?

--After going to a few grappling and BJJ classes myself, I realized that it's awkward to begin with, no matter what gender the person is. There's something about getting used to being that close to another person- and being in a lot of awkward positions with them.

--After sparring with him, learning a lot more about the sport, etc. I found that I just don't see the sport with the same perspective. I'm looking at technique when I'm watching and I'm practicing techniques when I'm doing it. You just see very different things. Does that make sense?

Let me give a comparison. When I watch football- a sport I know practically nothing about- I see men slapping each other on the butts and jumping on each other for no apparent reason. When my brother sees football, he's like, "GREAT PASS!" or "GREAT PLAY!" (or whatever it is those guys do in football- haha)...

So I imagine when someone first sees BJJ- or sees their significant other doing BJJ- what they see is some guy full mounting their wife. No matter that it's in front of the whole gym or that everyone's clothes are on, and for the life of her she doesn't want that guy there...



So that's why I think educating him about the sport is what might be most helpful. And answering any questions he has- or answering his concerns. Education about the whole thing not only helped me understand his sport, but it also got me interested in and involved in it.

[adriennaaj]

i agree about educating. It could probebly seem really scary to someone that might be worried about you getting hurt maybe. I dont see any reason why a partner should be getting jealous. My fiance and i try to support each other through training, altohough he fights more frequently than me, we support each other as much as we can. I think maybe if you try to talk to him, or possibly introduce him to other couples that train together as well?
good luck with your training, and keep your head up:)

[KnockOut2]

Sandy...this is gonna sound weird, but I have the feeling that if you did land a solid choke on him that made him tap out, then he would probably want to break up. I'm just guessing, but the warning signs seem pretty evident. It sounds like that theory I mentioned earlier about you overstepping the lines of his definition of masculinity where he is supposed to be the "dominant" one. I'm speculating, but if that is true then hopefully he will adjust his thinking, with some time, and allow you to explore this new avenue in your life. He should be supportive of your growth and your interests, or at the very least, be accepting.

With that said, there are a lot of fish in the sea, if you know what I mean. I think that nobody should allow their signifigant-other to suppress their interests.

[tinaXXX]

My husband started in BJJ first. I think your husband is reacting the same way as some of the men's wives about training. Maybe they feel left out and a feeling of distance. Not everyone understands BJJ.

[ladygrappler]

Im unclear..is this your husband or boyfriend?...I have dated guys who did have a problem with the fighting and got "rough" when they couldnt beat me. What I found is exactly what Knockout said, they get confused with the masculinity issues...was he ever rough with you before you started Bjj? I agree with dl and recommend you dont practice on him...men with these issues feel inferior to the female and then everything that thier fathers told them about being the bread winner and running the house, domination ect ect ect..even if its not relevent will surface and then its one big ROLLER COASTER.

If he is your husband then he needs to take his vows sreiously and support you..even if it means him agreeing to disagree with you..its a step in the right direction. And like everyone has mentioned Knowladge is power! educate him..see if he wants to watch a hook n shoot dvd wih you...or a UFC or PRIDE match...show him that its a serious sport..and not anything smile. That being said , not trying to get personal,..never bring any sweeps or hold downs into the bedroom as long as he has this problem with the sport..h will begin to associate bad things. hope i was of some help! the best of luck with it!

P.S any reassurence of how "big and strong and how safe you feel with him" are good as well...kinda keeps the testosterone flowing

[bjjamazon]

My family is totally against it!! They say its totally unfeminine and I should take up sewing. lol I'm dating one of my instructors so in that perspective he totally supports me in training. I love training so no matter if I didnt get any support from my family or friends, I'd still do it.

[KnockOut2]

Right on.
I think that is the attitude that all women (or all people) should take.
Family support is great, but you ultimately have to live life for yourself, ya know?

[VooDooQueen]

Sandy,

My husband somewhat supports me in the arts in the way that he goes to my tournaments and doesnt give me backtalk when I am going to the dojo. But, he does the same thing about "defending his place as the man" after he goes to the tourneys. He tries to play hard with me and tells me ..."You may be bad a$$, but you know I can take you down and you wont get back up." He makes me want to just test my sleeper hold on him...or perhaps see just how many seconds it really takes to kill someone if you grab the trachea. (not really..but you know) One of his army buddied told me that he was so glad he missed getting to the dojo since he was supposed to spar me. I told him to put his money where his mouth was. Well, according to this buddy, he is scared to fight me but at home, he feels the need to prove to himself that he is the man. (yeah, whatever..right?!) My husband is also jealous. I have gotten the third degree about who I am sleeping with at the dojo...since I am there till after 9:30 pm ...which is right when spar class is over and I am home just 15 minutes after I walk out the door. Sounds to me like your man and my man need to hang out and you and I need to gang up on them and show them just what we have learned in class.

If he gets too rough with you, girl...you need to think long and hard about why you are in that relationship, especially if he is doing it in anger. He should respect you and all that you do, just as you should do the same for him. If you are happy and you love what you do, then he needs to deal with it and perhaps get off his butt and go to class with you at least just to watch.

Men...cant live with them and sure cant hide all the bodies. hehe...kidding guys...

VooDooQueen

[VooDooQueen]

bjjamazon,

saw your post....that is funny. I actually do sew..but I also kick butt. Some members of my family think it is wrong that I fight, but ya know...they dont live in my house....they dont pay my bills, and they sure as hell dont come visit. I mean, I know why they feel that way..I am from the Deep South where ladies must be ladies ...all swooning and fanning themselves. Dont get me wrong, I can bat my lashes and make the men drool with my sappy southern drawl but that is the beauty of it; being a lady who just do happens to kick butt. I have been accused of being butch, lesbian and just downright unladylike....(to them..that is the worst insult. haha) I am the only woman in my family to have joined the military (Navy) and stuck with it i.e. not failed in bootcamp. The lil ladies back home who are sitting around the quilting bee are kinda jealous that I decided to buck tradition and be a modern woman. Its funny, because I am the furthest thing from being butch. I am married with three kids..one of them being the prissiest lil tea party having girl around...I sew and can make Martha Stewart nervous when it comes to my cooking and her idea of "good things" so much so that ppl even call me Martha. (hehe...I bet Martha wishes she knew some martial arts about now...)

Fighting unfeminine...hardly. You can fight with a fresh manicure, pedicure and sport cosmetics so it doesnt sweat off. I mean...ever seen women at a clearance sale at Macy's??? Gets pretty nasty....Oh..those same genteel southern "ladies" have tongues sharps as knives and will also toss a punch if you cross them the right way.

We are not unfeminine...just woman enough to do what we want and not be led by society's idea of what a woman should be.

fight on!!

VooDooQueen